Looky Looky Men are a divisive topic in Ibiza, many people believe they are aggressive and intimidating, while others believe they are a much needed part of the island’s infrastructure. Love them or hate them, one thing is clear; they’re definitely better than America’s soon to be President, Donald Trump. So before the owner of the world’s worst wig is inaugurated we thought we’d give you a list of ten reasons Looky Looky Men are better than Donald Trump.
Their hair
This doesn’t really need any explaining. While Looky Looky men aren’t known for being trendsetters in the hair department, it doesn’t take a lot to top Trump on looking good follically. It actually doesn’t take anything to top Trump here, if you’ve got hair, you’ve got better hair than Donald Trump. Even if you don’t and you’re completely bald and have a scalp covered in horrible scabs, you’ve still got better hair than Donald Trump.
They’ve got manners
While some people would say Looky Looky Men’s persistent and aggressive sales techniques are annoying and intimidating, they pale in comparison to Trump’s demeanour and complete lack of respect for anything other than money. We’d rather share a taxi journey home from Amnesia with a Looky Looky Man than Donald Trump any day of the week, apart from maybe Saturday because that would mean we’d been at Foam & Diamonds.
Honesty
Let’s not beat around the bush here, Looky Looky Men, just like almost every other person working in Ibiza, have one main objective, making money. Sometimes, this may involve embellishing the truth a little bit but you certainly wouldn’t hold that against them. Trump, on the other hand, is hard to ever take at face value. Even when he’s telling the truth, he seems like he’s lying, it must have something to do with his horrible face.
Their Voice
There’s something very relaxing about a Looky Looky Man’s voice, it’s probably what makes them so good at selling crap that nobody really needs. The same can not be said for Donald Trump. I don’t know if it’s just me, but every time I hear Donald Trump speak I want to tear my ears off. It’s a mixture of his horribly nasal New York drawl and the disgusting bile that spews from his mouth.
Donald Trump spits when he talks
Ibiza Club News have it on very good authority that Donald Trump is a sprayer, not a sayer. This is most likely down to the fact that his face looks like a leather sock that’s been stretched over a bowling ball. Apparently, a ten minute conversation with Trump displaces the same amount of saliva as an entire football match. In my experience of talking to Looky Looky Men, I’ve never once been spat on.
Looky Looky Men don’t stink of piss
At seventy years of age, it’s probably safe to say that Trump’s bladder isn’t what it used to be. In fact, Ibiza Club News sources have revealed that Trump is almost completely incontinent. This has left the President-Elect with a distinct pissy aroma. Being a Looky Looky Man is definitely a young man’s game and most of them have retired long before they reach the age where piss constantly dribbles down their boxer shorts. So, apart from the odd mishap, it happens the best of us, they don’t stink of piss.
Looky Looky Men don’t want to bang their daughters
Looky Looky Men, like ninety nine point nine nine percent of the world’s fathers, enjoy a normal loving relationship with their daughters. This relationship is based entirely on paternal instinct, not lust. Unfortunately, we can’t say the same thing about Trump. The man is constantly sexualising his daughter and while we certainly wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating a Doner King, we’re not her father. What Trump says about his daughter is wrong on so many levels.
Looky Looky Men aren’t racist
While a Looky Looky Man might look at a tourist and see nothing other than a payday, that doesn’t make them racist, it makes them shrewd salesmen with a clear business plan. Looky Looky Men will befriend anyone, no matter of race or nationality, if it means they’ll make a sale. The same can not be said about Trump. His entire election campaign was based on scaremongering and racism.
Trump hates China
Why would anyone hate China? If it wasn’t for China we wouldn’t have San Antonio’s Chinese shop, we wouldn’t have three course meals for €7 and half the stuff you own wouldn’t exist. So why is that Trump hates them so much? Maybe it’s because they’ve got the biggest economy in the world, maybe it’s just because western consumerism has made them the world’s biggest superpower or maybe it’s because their football clubs are buying up all the good players. Either way, he doesn’t like them one bit. Looky Looky Men have completely embraced China. Everything they sell comes from there and they are great ambassadors for Chinese counterfeit goods.
Natural colour
Around one point five million years ago, after the Earth suffered a megadrought and homo sapiens were forced to live in dry and arid surrounding, skin pigmentation emerged. This has resulted in people evolving different shades of skin colour dependent on where they live. While all of the variations of these colours are beautiful in their own right, some people are not entirely happy with the hand they have been dealt. Looky Looky Men, like the majority of people, are happy with their genetics and proud of their ancestral lineage. Donald Trump, however, is not and insists on coating himself in an unnatural and disgusting orange hue. You look like a tangerine Donny.